AQ : Rantings and Ravings

WARBARA: "Good evening. I'm Warbara Balters, and this is 20/20 Vision."

[Cue 20/20 Vision opening]

WARBARA: "Tonight, in a XYZ 20/20 Vision exclusive, a night spent with the Amanzoness Quartet. Many people have written into us asking about these elusive webpage reviewers. Our executive producer requested an interview, which was granted after a pay order for a cable modem was submitted to accounting, but we'll get to that in a bit. They have agreed to let us join them during one of their reviewing sessions."

[Cue story title screen: "AQ Review"]

[SCENE: A pan shot outside. It's nighttime with the only light coming from the moon above and a place the camera is approaching. The landscape is covered in snow and the road isn't very well plowed. As the camera gets closer to the house at the end of the road, it's seen that the house could best be described as 'non-descript'.]

WARBARA: [voice over] "Our story begins at the meeting place of the Amazoness Quartet. They agreed to bring us here on the condition that we would not disclose the location as anything more specific then North America."

[WARBARA, bundled up in a gaudy parka scurries up to the front door and knocks. After a couple of minutes of waiting it's opened by PARA.]

PARA: "You don't look like the pizza boy."

WARBARA: "I'm not the pizza boy."

[PARA closes the door, but WARBARA gets her foot in before it can be shut all the way.]

WARBARA: "Wait! I'm Warbara Balters from 20/20 Vision. We had an appointment to watch you review pages."

PARA: "Who the hell came up with that lame idea?"

[The EXECUTIVE PRODUCER in the back of the pack shrinks down a bit.]

WARBARA: "We made arrangements with CereJun."

[PARA raises an eyebrow.]

PARA: "Come right in, then."

[PARA steps aside to let WARBARA and her entourage in. She has a mischievous smile playing on her lips.]

PARA: "This'll be fun."

[SCENE: A fairly large rec room. A worn couch lines one wall with a framed 'family' poster of the Amazoness Quartet hanging above it. A fridge sits humming in a corner. Balls of various colors sit in another corner on top of a couple of beanbag chairs. Lining another wall are 4 computer stations on a counter that runs the length of the room. Soda cans, open bags of potato chips, various toys and other distractions lay around the room.]

WARBARA: [voice over] "This is the room where the magic happens. A person can FEEL the creative energy in this room as soon as they enter."

[SCENE: PARA seated in a beanbag chair brought up close to the couch, where WARBARA is seated.]

WARBARA: [voice over] "Before they got to work, we had the opportunity to sit with each member of the Amazoness Quartet for a private interview."

WARBARA: "Your name is ParaPara, that's rather repetitive, don't you think?"

PARA: "The more you repeat something, the better you remember it."

WARBARA: "Eh.. right."

[Cut to the CERE interview]

WARBARA: "Many of our watchers have been wondering if you are male or female?"

WARBARA: "Yes? What does that mean?"

[CERE pulls out a large dictionary from nowhere and opens it to the appropriate page.]

CERE: "'Yes, adverb, noun. Expression of affirmation or assent.'"

WARBARA: "You're actually the 5th VesVes, aren't you?"

VES: "Yes, I'm Ves of 5."

WARBARA: "Star Trek Voyager fan?"

VES: "How did you guess?"

WARBARA: "JunJun, you're known for being opinionated at times. How does that make you feel?"

JUN: "Me? Opinionated? Hardly, and I'll tell you what, it's journalist like you who give us hard-working reviewers a bad name with your big budgets and exclusive interviews!"

WARBARA: "How did you come up with the 'Loading Song'?"

CERE: "Well, I was sitting back, waiting for a page to load one night, and I started strumming on my trusty guitar."

[CERE pulls out a Fischer Price button operated toddlers guitar.]

CERE: "o/~ Loading, loading, loading, keep those bytes ah flowing... ~/o"

WARBARA: "How did you come to be a member of the Amazoness Quartet?"

PARA: "My great grandfather was a member. It's something that is passed down from generation to generation."

WARBARA: "You're not pulling my leg are you?"

PARA: "No, that's VesVes."

[WARBARA screeches when she notices that VES has been pulling on her leg.]

VES: "Get off the couch already! I need to check under cushions for money to pay the pizza boy with!"

[SCENE: Cut for a commercial break. When the program comes back, the 4 members of the Amazoness Quartet are ranged on the couch with WARBARA sitting in one of the chairs from the computers.]

WARBARA: "People have been wondering who is the leader of the Amazoness Quartet?"

JUN: "CereCere, she's the most sane of us."

[Pan to a close-up of CERE 'strumming' on her Fischer Price guitar. WARBARA raises a doubtful eyebrow.]

PARA: "Oh, don't let looks deceive you! She's a genius with HTML when she's not playing with that stupid toy of hers."

[VES discreetly (in other words, tug-of-wars) the guitar away from CERE. She then places it out of reach behind the couch before turning around again to smile at the camera. CERE sulks.]

WARBARA: "VesVes, you've taken some heat for not being a consistent reviewer. What's up?"

VES: "It's the curse of the VesVes!"

[VES buries her face into JUN's shoulder. JUN smoothes her hair and coos reassuringly.]

JUN: "You'll have to excuse our sister. There are quite a few pressures associated with being in the Amazoness Quartet that she's still becoming used to."

WARBARA: "Pressures? Like what?"

CERE: "Having to work without a guitar."

[CERE pointedly glares at VES.]

PARA: "Selecting pages and then reviewing them is time consuming work. Since most all of the pages we review are submissions from you, the viewer, we have to go look at all of them to find the best and worst for the month."

JUN: "Besides, it's not like we don't have a real life."

WARBARA: "What do your significant others think of your involvement in the Amazoness Quartet?"

VES: "Significant other?"

PARA: "I think she's implying that there is something else in life besides the Amazoness Quartet."

WARBARA: "But you just said you had a real life?"

JUN: "Of course! I have to practice my circus routine SOMETIME you know!"

[SCENE: Yet another commercial break. When they come back, the Quartet are seated at their computers working.]

WARBARA: [voice over] "Now we get to see them in action!"

WARBARA: "Every computer you have here is a different system, why is that?"

CERE: "We want to see how compatible pages are on different systems before deciding if they are good or bad."

VES: "We even have them set up with different speed modems and connections."

WARBARA: "Wouldn't it go quicker if you used a cable modem?"

JUN: "It would. But SOMEONE forgot to pay to provider."

PARA: "You can't hold that against me forever!"

WARBARA: "Why do you review pages?"

JUN: "Because we're tired of wasting our time on bad pages!"

CERE: "The net is a dynamic place. What may be an excellent page one day could be standard by the next. That's why we sometimes offer suggestions for improvement to even the Best pages."

VES: "It's our way of encouraging them!"

[Time passes in which CERE has managed to compose 4 new versions of the 'Loading Song'. During this time, WARBARA has been viewed in various positions of boredom.]

WARBARA: [voice over] "While the Amazoness Quartet are working, we took a look around the house."

[SCENE: WARBARA goes down a long hallway that is lined with Before and After pictures of reformed websites. She turns down another hallway that features pictures of the Best winners. In the next scene she is pictured in a large gymnasium featuring a trampoline. After a minute of watching WARBARA bouncing up and down, the scene returns to the Amazoness Quartet doing their reviews.]

WARBARA: "Are you done yet?"

PARA: "No, why don't you go get us another pizza while you wait?"

WARBARA: "... Alright."

[SCENE: WARBARA at the local pizza place getting a pie to go. The van drives back up to Amazoness Quartet headquarters to find it empty. From the looks of things, it had been that way for years.]

WARBARA: "What the..?"

WARBARA: [voice over] "And thus concludes XYZ's 20/20 Vision exclusive coverage of the Amazoness Quartet. I wish you all a good night."